Crutch Vs. Christ

While in high school, I really wanted to go to UC DAVIS sooo badly! Unfortunately, I was unable to maintain a cumulative grade higher than a 3.3 weighted. The reason why I wanted to go to UCD was because they had my major of choice- Interior Design, Landscape Architecture. And I fell in love with the people in Compass Fellowship. DCCC also known as DC^3.

I was recently asked, "Do you regret going to UC Merced?"

At the top of my head, I would have to say YES. Although near the beginning of my freshmen year, I loved UC Merced, because I had community and growth. So why do I feel remorse over going to UCM? At the spur of moments-I wish I had tried harder in high school. I wish I had STUDIED in high school. I regret meeting someone who changed my life in both a positive and negative way. Through the shortcomings on both parties and the lack of discernment, sometimes I wondered what would happen if I never met that person. I probably wouldn't have caused or cope with the pain and scarring of a bitter relationship. Nor would I loose my identity. People wouldn't look at me so differently or judge me. I wouldn't of lost dozens of friends. I wish there was a reset button. Fellowship hopping in UCM is not really an option. I want to be in a community with similar theology and the way of approaching and running things. I don't want to deal with the loneliness and rejection. What am I doing serving on leadership? It feels undeserved. I don't want to be placed with such a heavy burden. I blame myself for making these horrible decisions. For my lack of integrity and horrible character.

These complaints have accumulated over the past two years.

In retrospect, these trials have helped me grow for future references. In the long run, I know that these events happened for a reason. There is no growth without trials. Right? I learned not to use a relationship as a crutch. Rather, cling onto the cross. Christ is all we need. God will provide someone perhaps MORE compatible. Loneliness? We are never alone, Christ stands beside us. Serving on leadership? Perhaps it's time to grow up and be an adult. Undeserved role in leadership? We are all undeserving of God's grace. We deserve eternal punishment, but out of God's LOVE we are redeemed by the BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST! Lack of community and loneliness? God's way of showing me He is all I need? Foreshadowing of serving on missions? Teaching overseas? Lack of forgiveness and judgement from others? NO sin is greater than any sin.

*This post is to describe the entirety of my honest thoughts. At the time of my struggles I am flooded with these thoughts. Not to say that there aren't Sisters and Brothers in Christ in Merced who I LOVE spending time with. I know I will come to love Merced, despite my shortcomings. Although there are times when I think about what if I ended up in Davis, would my life be any different? But praise the Lord for all that He did, does, and is doing with my life.